October 12, 2015 | 1 comment | Humor, Kid Time, Me Time, Parenting Advice

6 Things My Kids Know About Alcohol

It’s pretty scary how much my children know about alcohol already.

1. My kids know that when my in-laws from Ireland stay, the icemaker in our bar is fired up for the duration of their visit. My kids love to eat ice. Even though, I taught them otherwise, they still eat it direct from the icemaker. Don’t tell Granny that the ice in her white wine may have been touched by my kids’ grubby little fingers.

2. They think shot glasses are for holding the ice cubes that they love to suck.

3. They know how to get their Irish Auntie a Coors Light from the fridge next to the icemaker.

4. They know that a cooler of beer means more ice for them to eat.

5. And, they know all the proper names. My brother always teases me in front of them, “Is Mommy drinking her Grape Juice at dinner?”

“It’s not grape juice, it’s wine,” my son’s corrected him more than once. And, no, I don’t drink at five PM with my kiddie dinner. My brother just likes to act like I do. He’s still trying to get me into trouble. I guess with my husband as opposed to my parents at our age.

6. My kids also know that you have to go to the special bottle store to buy wine here in the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. Unlike most civilized states, where you are allowed to purchase a few bottles during a weekly grocery shop, we Pennsylvanians have to go to a specially licensed state store to buy wine and hard alcohol.

Because it is a separate stop in my shopping adventures, I buy in bulk. As in about twelve bottles at a time. With my kids in tow. Every time I go to the state store with my kids, I feel judgment from both the other customers and the employees. I guess all the good, responsible, little winos are supposed to buy only what they need for the day, while their kids are at school. I just happen to be an organized wino and like to have it on hand. In case of emergency or simply to drink with my dinner.

So, today I was buying my twelve bottles of wine at the state store after picking my two up from school. I pushed a small shopping cart for the wine. My daughter insisted on sitting in the cart with all the bottles. I carefully handed each of the bottles that I selected off the shelf to her in the cart and she lined them up neatly around her legs.

My five-year-old was literally bouncy around next to me because he’d had his daily allotment of two packs of fruit snacks in the car directly before entering the store.

I’m a pretty fast shopper. I know what wine I like; I don’t need to browse. I was especially fast this day since my son got dangerously close to knocking over a display of Captain Morgan’s Rum, as he impersonated the knee in-the-air position of the cardboard cutout pirate.

I get my wine to the checkout lane without incident and unload my daughter and the bottles.

“Do you want a box?” the cashier sighs heavily, as if finding a box is the biggest chore in the world.

“Yes, please,” I answer nicely. How else am I going to lift twelve bottles of wine? She acts like getting a box is a special request, reserved only for VIP shoppers.

Another employee comes by with the box. “I want to go where you’re going,” he whistles, clearly impressed by my display of six white and six red.

I smile politely. The two employees look at me for an explanation, but today for once I don’t supply one. I usually get embarrassed and stammer something like, “I’m having a party” or “I have my in-laws visiting” or “It’s holiday time.”

But, today, it’s none of those things. I simply buy wine this way. Why is it so shocking?

“Do you want help out?” the cashier frowns again.

Of course, I want help out. How am I going to get a case of wine and two kids to the car down a flight of steps without an extra set of hands?

“Yes, please.”

Another mother has appeared behind me in the check-out line with a stroller, deflecting the attention from me. She bends down and pulls out her collection of wine from the basket beneath her sleeping baby. The employees’ reaction to her is different.

“How old is she?” the cashier lights up.

“Cute baby,” the man supplies before picking up my box to help me to the car.

Of course, she only bought two bottles of wine.

Hope you enjoyed this latest in the funny mommy blog series!

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1 Comment

  1. Natalia Garcia

    October 17, 2015 8:45 pm

    So funny, captain morgan pose, loved it!

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